Titile: Cracked Eggs
Rating: T for some language
Summary: Meeting her again did not go entirely as Watanuki had expected. Crack!fic/Alt!ending
Notes: This is a deanon from the Clampkink (though it is not kinky at all, unless you are into omlettes...) prompt requesting Dou/Wata/Egg crack-theories for the end of xxxHolic. Spoilers if you haven't read chapter 211. Also, this probably will not be funny in the least if you don't have at least a passing familiarity with Cardcaptor Sakura. ^^;; Sorry...
Watanuki glanced nervously between the two women standing in front of him and the cracked egg in Doumeki's hand. "What the hell just happened?" he demanded, "Where did Yuuko go?"
One moment he had been sprawled across the dream-scape, gaping in awe at the return of his most precious person, too stunned to even care that he was showing off rather more thigh than was strictly necessary for a shounen manga. The next... He wasn't entirely sure what had happened next. There had been a horrible, wet, cracking noise and suddenly he'd found himself wide awake in the middle of the shop, staring down two suspiciously familiar looking women and Doumeki with a fistful of albumen.
"Doumeki...?" he managed through gritted teeth. He couldn't believe this! How many years had he waited in this shop for her return? How much of his life had he sacrificed? And now, when he had finally met her once again, the bastard couldn't keep a couple of customers occupied long enough for him to finish the damned dream? And what the hell was with the omlette dripping onto his face...?
Doumeki shrugged and lifted an eyebrow at Mokona. "I thought you said nothing would be born from this egg?"
"Well, technically, nothing was," one of the "customers" answered, taking a few steps forward and offering her hand to Watanuki. "The egg was split in two, which, in turn, split my - or, rather - our souls in two."
Watanuki was not following this conversation. "I'm sorry," he sputtered, accepting the hand and stumbling to his feet, "Aren't you a customer? Who are you?"
"I'm so sorry," the woman continued with a kind smile, "You must be terribly confused. My name is Kaho, and this," she gestured to her silver-haired companion, "Is Nadeshiko."
"In laymans terms," Kaho said slowly, "One could say we are the reincarnations of Yuuko Ichihara."
Watanuki balked. "But why are there two of you?"
"Cuz I broke the egg in two," Doumeki supplied.
"Yuuko felt her power was too great for one person alone to wield, so she entrusted Doumeki with a mechanism to split it before she was reborn. Your raunchy reactions inside the dream were really just the winding of the gears that set this all in motion - did you know you talk in your sleep?"
"That's st- Why? Why would Yuuko do that?"
Kaho laughed. "Well, it worked for Clow, didn't it?"
UGH. Not that name again. He'd heard all he could stomach about Clow Reed over the past...however long it had been. "But...I..." Watanuki stammered, "Waited... Yuuko..."
"Awww..." Kaho giggled, "Don't be sad, Watanuki. Once we've been reborn, you'll be able to visit with us all you'd like!"
"Now, now," Nadeshiko chided, "Don't be so cruel, Kaho. This is obviously a big shock for my poor grandson."
"G-grandson?" Watanuki choked.
Nadeshiko paused, stroking her chin thoughtfully. "Maybe that's not this dimension," she said after long last, "I have such a difficult time keeping all the different family lines straight between worlds..."
"So-" Watanuki coughed, "After all this time, you'll just be reincarnated? As two people? I thought we were..." his voice dropped to quiet mumble, "Soulmates..."
"Oh, no dear," Nadeshiko said, cupping his face gently, "I'm afraid Kaho and I already have soul mates. You know, my dear Fujitaka has said that he'd recognize me anywhere, even if we were reincarnated!"
"Really?" Kaho said, looking faintly surprised, "When did he say that?"
Nadeshiko waived this away, "Oh, sometime back in Cardcaptor Sakura...I can't really remember."
"Well that's great news!" Kaho exclaimed, "I was hoping he'd be yours - Eriol is really much more my type..." she paused to eye Watanuki in a somewhat less than platonic manner, "Although I have to admit, Watanuki, if you're still up for it..."
"Oh, stop it!" Nadeshiko insisted, stepping between the two, "You'll have to forgive her Watanuki, she has a thing for dark-haired teenagers."
Kaho laughed, "I think it's just Clow's bloodline, dear. Or Fujitaka's, or...whatever. You two make some beautiful children..."
Watanuki shook his head in disgust. This was all getting far too incestuous for his liking and he was feeling the beginnings of a massive migraine starting to take hold. "Can I...?" his voice cracked mid-sentence. He was obviously more upset than he was giving himself credit for.
"Don't worry, Watanuki," Kaho said kindly, "Clow and Yuuko anticipated this very situation and have prepared a small gift to help you through this difficult time."
Watanuki stared at the women. He shifted his attention back to Doumeki, who was still standing there - completely expressionless - like this was just another normal day in his tortured existance (To be fair, Watanuki decided, it probably was - after all, it wasn't Doumeki who'd just realized that he'd wasted a good chunk of his life in this shop...oh, wait. Damn it anyway, this migraine was really getting out of hand...). "Gift?" he finally managed to choke out.
"Yes," Kaho grinned, "Oh Yue, won't you come out?"
There was a loud cracking noise and a surprisingly girly burst of sparkles as the floor of the shop burst open and an egg-shaped wing-cocoon unfolded to reveal the most disgruntled looking angel Watanuki had ever seen.
"Who- Wha- Where the hell did you come from?"
"Watanuki, this is Yue. He came from another dimension originally, but has been sleeping in your store room for the past 20 years," Nadeshiko smiled at the angel, "He is somewhat of an expert in learning to deal with your most important person reincarnating as two others."
Yue rolled his eyes and cracked his neck. "I don't know that I would say that," he muttered, looking quickly away.
"Don't be shy, Yue," Kaho urged, "Tell Watanuki all about how wonderfully easy it is, and how perfectly sane and happy you are now!"
Yue glared suspiciously at Kaho before turning back to Watanuki. "Well," he began, "It helps if you can have an alternate form that doesn't remember anything. Dulls the pain, if you will."
Watanuki rolled his eyes. "We've already done that story line."
Yue looked surprised. "Really? Which one - the alternate form or losing your memory?"
"Both..." Watanuki sighed and shaded his eyes. He really needed an aspirin...
"Well, then, Mr. I've-already-tried-all-the-surest-fixes,
"A Touya. A dark-haired pretty boy to help you forget..."
Watanuki watched Doumeki's back stiffen ever-so-slightly from the corner of his eye. "I don't know any Touyas," he said before Doumeki could start grinding his teeth.
Yue sighed exasperatedly. "Fine. Some sort of association with Peach blossoms should suffice..."
Doumeki's ears perked up at this. "My birthday is on the Peach Blossom Festival."
"It's also the Doll Festival," Watanuki snickered.
Yue's eyes lit up. "Perfect. Peach blossoms and prettiness, all rolled into one. You're set." He turned sharply back to Kaho and Nadeshiko, "Can go back now?"
"Of course, darling," Nadeshiko soothed, "Take care of my son!"
Yue nodded curtly before disappearing once again in a rain of sparkles.
Watanuki huffed incredulously. "So this is it, huh? This is what I get for wasting away all these years? A pat on the back and a message to jump Doumeki's bones from beyond the grave?" he spun back to Nadeshiko, "And how can you have a son? You haven't even been reborn yet!"
"Oh, you know," Nadeshiko said airily, "Time flows differently between dimensions, blah blah blah...hitzusen...it's amazing what those can explain away..."
Watanuki massaged his temples. This was too much. "Can you two just...go, or something? Be reborn? Somewhere outside of my shop? I'm having a really bad day here, and you're not helping."
Nadeshiko looked wounded. Kaho only looked amused. "And here we thought you missed us..."
"I miss Yuuko!" Watanuki wailed, "And, as you two have been so meticulous in pointing out, you are not her!"
"True," Nadeshiko said sadly, "We're not. But surely you see the silver lining here? Now you don't have to live as a Yuuko-holic."
"Yes," Kaho added, "And you can finally retitle the manga!"
"Yeah, it sounds a bit like a porno now," Doumeki joined in, obviously feeling left out of the conversation.
"XXXHotlick," Mokona giggled.
"Please," Watanuki begged, "I just need a bit of space..."
"Very well," Kaho finally relented. She and Nadeshiko crept closer to embrace Watanuki. "We love you very much..."
"I...thanks," Watanuki grumbled, "I...love you too."
Nadeshiko smiled warmly. "I'm sure we'll be seeing you again, once we are reborn!"
Watanuki smiled faintly and waved as the women faded away, back to the other realm. He didn't doubt it either; as much as he would love nothing more than to just forget this entire day, he knew their paths would inevitably cross once again. He sighed.
"What?" Watanuki barked, "Don't tell me-"
"I think I'll move in," Doumeki cut him off.
Watanuki waived a hand over his shoulder as he headed toward the kitchen, "Whatever. You already pretty much live here anyway..."
"And I'm turning the guest bedroom into an office."
Watanuki paused as the meaning of those words sunk in, then continued to the kitchen. "Fine," he mumbled tiredly, "But you're still not allowed to eat crackers in the bed."
"That's fine," Doumeki shrugged, "I'm hungry."
"You're always hungry. Make something yourself."
"How about an omlette?"
Watanuki felt a wicked grin creeping across his lips. That was the best idea he'd heard all morning..