Author's Note: This abomination was spawned during a period in which I was grading anatomy exams, but mostly trying not to grade anatomy exams. Which, naturally, meant I was reading lots of, um, fics… This is what happens when your breadth of knowledge in one subject expands to the point where you can no longer just enjoy a decent lemon for what it is, and instead feel the urge to correct every little anatomical error that you see and become…well…a monster. Yes, kittens, I have become a monster. But at least I haven't lost the ability to make fun of myself :-D
Warnings: Pure Crack, potty-mouth, no real point, lots of OOCness, and a very bizarre mix of bad innuendo and big sciency words.
Set in Outo. No spoilers, really.
"Sakura-chan! We're home!" Fay set the bag of groceries he carried onto the front table as he kicked off his shoes. "I wonder where she is…?" he wondered aloud to the sullen ninja behind him when he received no reply.
"Probably sleeping," Kurogane grunted, following suite and tossing his boots into the entryway closet. "More importantly, where's the brat?"
"Oh, he was off somewhere with Ryuuo today. Something about 'male-bonding.'"
"That's a handy way to write him out of a one-shot."
"I know, right? But don't worry; I have a feeling he'll show up later."
"Whatever you say…"
Fay picked the bag of groceries back up and wandered into the kitchen. There was no sign of Sakura here, either; he noted with some concern as he began unpacking the bag. Still, Kurogane was probably right – she was likely napping in one of the back rooms, and he did his best to suppress the motherly instinct that insisted he burn the house to the ground to ensure she was safe.
Kurogane joined him momentarily, parking himself on one of the barstools and pretending to be completely transfixed by a salt shaker. "Bedroom door's closed," he grumbled.
"Ah. She's probably sleeping then, like you said."
"Kuro-daddy, you really are such an involved parent!"
"Tch," Kurogane waived this away, "There was giggling."
"Well, I imagine there would have to be, if people were talking."
"No, I mean words."
Fay turned from the cupboard to face the ninja. "Kuro-sama, I know generally you like to pretend that you are, in fact, a man of few – but I fail to see why words are upsetting you so much right now."
Kurogane massaged the bridge of his nose and sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "Words that rhyme with 'rock,' 'walls,' and, um, 'stipple.'"
"'Rock,' 'walls,' and 'stipple…'" Fay repeated slowly, "'Rock,' 'walls,' and…"
Kurogane stared expectantly.
"'Rock,' 'walls…'" Fay paused, understanding crashing onto his features like a bird into a plate glass window, "That little shit! 'Male-bonding' my enigmatic white ass! I'll kill him!"
"Put the knife down," Kurogane insisted, grabbing the wizard's wrist and twisting until the steel blade clattered to the floor. "It was just giggling and talking."
"Kurogane! Our children are fornicating! They're, what, like fourteen? They're not even supposed to know that those parts have other uses yet!"
Kurogane stared skeptically at the wizard. "What were you doing when you were fourteen?"
"I was…it was…cold! It was cold in Celes! Too cold for fornication! Ah! I'll just turn down the heat and freeze them out…"
Kurogane caught the wizard around the shoulders as he raced for the thermostat. "I think they'll be finished before the room cools off… Why don't we just…interrupt them?"
"Ew…" Fay stared at the floor. "I just can't bear to see them that way…" he broke down sobbing, murmuring quietly to himself about "ruining the whole series by killing off the sexual tension so early."
"Oh for fu…fine, I'll do it," Kurogane decided, storming down the hallway. Fay followed the ninja closely, tiptoeing quietly in his wake so as not to disturb the butcher knife concealed in his sleeve.
Kurogane banged twice on the door before tearing it from its hinges and stomping commandingly through the frame.
Two sets of eyes stared up in horror.
"Yu-Yuzuriha!" Fay exclaimed, attempting to hide the butcher knife behind his back and giggling like a madman. "What are you doing here?"
Sakura looked at the duo in the doorway with concern. "We were just…um…are you okay, Fay-san?" she asked slowly, eyeing the knife that had once again clattered to the floor.
"Fine, fine!" Fay flailed, "We were just…concerned. We didn't know where you were! Ahahaha…" He wiped a trail of sweat trickling from his hairline.
Sakura and Yuzuriha glanced at one another and attempted to shuffle a pile of papers (very nonchalantly) behind them. "We were just…you know. Doing girly things."
"Hmph," Kurogane grunted, swooping down to pick up the half-hidden pile of papers. He shuffled through them, color draining from his face with each new page. He handed the pile to the wizard. "I'm out."
"Wha…?" Fay wondered, staring at Kurogane as he stalked out of the room. He stared at the pages in his hand, wondering what could possibly be contained on them to make the ninja forfeit his dignity and storm off like that. He squinted at the symbols, but wasn't able to make heads nor tails of them. "What is this?" he asked the girls.
"It's a…story…" Yuzuriha offered as Sakura stared like a deer caught in the headlights.
"What kind of a story?"
"Mokona knows!" the white ball of fluff announced, bounding out from under the bed where it had hidden when the door had been blown from its frame. "It's yaoi!"
"Mokona!" Sakura gasped, hiding her face in her hands.
"What's yaoi?" Fay demanded, now completely confused.
"It's hot man on man action!" Mokona declared, bouncing up to sit on Fay's shoulder.
Sakura whimpered. "Mokona…don't…"
"No, it's okay! Fay knows all about hot man on man action! He can help edit!"
Fay stiffened, a crazed grin creeping across his face. "What do you mean, Mokona?" he managed through clenched teeth, "Aaahaha…ha…ha…"
"I mean that you and Kuro-puu muwaPH!" Fay regretted in this instant that their furry traveling companion had no neck to throttle and had to settle for firmly clamping a hand over its mouth.
"Mokona doesn't know what it's saying," Fay said firmly, shuffling back into the hallway.
"Yes, Mokona does!" it squealed, breaking free of the wizard's grasp and hopping back into the shelter of Sakura's arms. "Look!" At this it spit out a long scroll of paper which unwound its way toward the wizard's feet.
"Read it, Sakura!" Mokona insisted, handing her the free end of scroll nearest them. Sakura took the paper and scanned the first few lines before her entire blood supply was rerouted to her cheeks. She shook her head wildly and handed the paper to Yuzuriha.
"Oh Big Doggy give it to me harder. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Woof." Yuzuriha deadpanned.
"With more expression!" Mokona insisted, "You have to moan and grunt the words out!"
Yuzuriha wrinkled her nose. "Man, this is worse than the dialogue we wrote… And what's bukkake?"
Fay snatched the scroll and quickly scanned the rest of it before quickly reducing it to a pile of scraps. "Mokona. What. The. Hell?"
"It's Mokona's translation log! See?" A second scroll flew out of its mouth and landed in Sakura's lap.
"It's a word for word record of everything we've just said…" she murmured, staring wide-eyed at the wizard.
Fay's eyes narrowed and he gripped the pile of papers in his hand with renewed fervor. "Fine. You know what? I will edit this. I'll be back with a list of critiques in an hour. Don't go anywhere."
"But, Fay-san, you can't read it…"
The wizard smirked. "No, I can't," he agreed, before slipping out into the hallway, "Oh Kuro-sama…"
O_o o_O X/X O_o o_O
Two adolescent heads peered around the corner of the hallway. The conversation emanating from the front of the café seemed to be becoming a bit…animated. There was the distinct clatter of metal cooking utensils across the wooden floor followed by a very colorful combination of four letter words as the adults bickered back and forth about the precise definition of a "Reverse Rick Moranis." Their eyes met briefly and a decision was reached.
They tiptoed quietly toward the back door and just as silently turned the bolt, unlatched the handle, and…
Ran smack into an extremely disgruntled ninja. "Back inside," he roared, thrusting his outstretched finger down the hallway.
"How did you get here so fast?" Yuzuriha demanded.
Kurogane grinned. "Shinobi. Now, back inside."
"But Kurogane-san," Sakura pleaded, "We won't do it anymore! We promise!"
Kurogane covered his eyes and huffed. "If I have to sit through this, then you do, too," he muttered as he followed the sullen girls back down the hall.
O_o o_O X/X O_o o_O
"Alright, girls," Fay trilled from the front of the café, "I'm ready for you now!"
Sakura and Yuzuriha began the long, tortuous trudge from the back rooms with a complaining Mokona in tow. Friendship meant making sacrifices – and if the teenagers were going to be forced to concede their pride, then their pork bun co-conspirator was going to as well.
"Um, Fay-san," Sakura murmured quietly, "We're very sorry, and we won't do it again, so this really isn't necessary…"
"Nonsense!" Fay exclaimed, flipping the switch on a slide projector and pulling a setting up a large projection screen, "This is a fun and safe way for you girls to explore your sexuality, and I'd certainly hate to dissuade you from it completely!"
Kurogane growled, "What happened to 'they shouldn't even know those parts have other uses?'"
"Shut up, Kuro-rin. I'm trying to be a progressive parent here. If they're going to write porn, they should at least write it well, don't you think?"
Yuzuriha wrinkled her nose and took a seat on the floor. "Where did you get a slide projector? I didn't think they even made those anymore…"
Fay sighed exasperatedly. "I got it from the same store that sold Kuro-sama a goddamned Hakama in the middle of country where everyone wears early twentieth century European fashions. Anyone else want to make a crack about how horribly contrived this whole set-up is?"
Sakura and Yuzuriha stared straight ahead.
"Good," Fay clicked the first slide into position. "Now, then. I was going to simply have Kuro-myuu write some corrections in the margins for you, but the further we read, the more we realized that you girls just don't have a very good idea of what the hell you're doing. Or trying to get your characters to do. Or something. So, we've decided to start from the beginning with some basic anatomical knowledge."
"There's no 'we' about this, wizard," Kurogane roared from his seat in the corner.
"Mokona, the ball gag, if you please."
Mokona coughed up a painfully large red ball connected to a black leather strap, which Fay caught effortlessly.
"Now, Kuro-pi, if you don't behave I won't use this on you."
"Isn't that threat supposed to work the other way?" Yuzuriha wondered aloud. She immediately wished she had kept the thought to herself as she was met with a death glare from Kurogane and a slightly bemused look from Fay, who giggled quietly to himself and muttered something about "kids…"
"Anyway," the wizard insisted, regaining his composure, "Let's begin with some basic anatomy." He clicked the next slide into position and produced a long stick. "This," he declared, whapping the screen violently with the stick, "Is a penis, or – as you so eloquently described it – a 'lustrous quivering member.' Now, contrary to popular belief, the penis does not magically swell up when a man is aroused." He switched to the next slide. "No – there are highly regulated anatomical and physiological systems in place that control the-" he paused to look at the paper, "-'Burgeoning manflower.' The most important of these are the parasympathetic nervous system and the blood supply to and from said manflower. The parasympathetic nervous system relaxes the walls of the Pudendal Artery which in turns increases the blood flow to the penis."
Sakura blanched as the next slide slid into place, revealing a cross-sectioned and decidedly non-quivering member. Fay ignored this and continued, "As you can see here, blood supply to the penis is primarily through the Deep Arteries which branch off from the Pudendal Artery – that's the little red circles here. This big pink mess surrounding them is the Corpus Cavernosum, which, as you can see, is like a sponge. So, when extra blood flows through these arteries, it fills up all the empty spaces in the sponge. Blood gets back out through the Deep and Superficial Dorsal veins, but as the Corpa fill up with blood, the veins get compressed and pinch closed – BOOM – self sustaining system.
Now, relating directly to your story – two things. First: you've written a lovely vampire romance here. However, you've chosen to make the prey character the top, which, well – follow me as we do the math here." Sakura groaned as he flipped to the next slide, which featured several containers, apparently filled with blood. "The human body contains, on average, six quarts of blood. During erection, as we've just discussed, the penis swells with blood. Now, if we assume that the average penis is six inches in length and one and a half inches in diameter when fully engorged – also, side note for you ladies: size isn't necessarily correlated with stature. Why, Kuro-sama over here-"
"One more word, mage, and I swear I will-"
"Okay, okay," Fay cut him off, "Too far? Anyway, we can estimate the volume of blood in the average erect penis to be roughly 0.4 pints. That is nearly one twelfth of the body's blood supply. To put this in better perspective, you're only allowed to donate one pint at a time and that takes eight weeks to regenerate. Now, assuming that your vampire character has only taken a pint of blood from his prey and has left 5.5 quarts, this still means that you're intending to shovel a half pint of blood to his nether regions for an extended period of time. Let's consider the implications of this. More blood trapped in the Sanctified Rod of Perpetual Pleasure means less blood to the rest of the body – especially the brain. There is a very good reason why those little blue pills at the Chemist's have a big warning on them that says to call the doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours – it can cause brain damage from lack of blood flow. Now, add in an already reduced blood supply…and well, not only is it physically impossible to get that Manflower to blossom, but it won't just be the orgasm blowing his mind.
Now, secondly: Please note that there are no – zero, nada – veins running lengthwise along the underside of the penis. In fact, what your, em, hero, is constantly licking to drive his lover insane with 'hot blooded manlove' is either the bulge of the urethra – you know, the thing you pee though – or the frenulum if your character is not circumcised. Neither is terribly exciting. Now, speaking of circumcision-" He flipped to the next slide.
"Where is the foreskin hate coming from, girls? It is a beautiful and natural thing! Seventy percent of the men in the world are uncircumcised! In fact, in the country of origin you've chosen for this particular character – Japan, was it? – ninety-five percent of men still retain their precious elephant nozzles! So please, stop hating on the prepuce. It's done you no wrong."
Sakura continued to stare, wide-eyed while Yuzuriha picked at her nails. Fay coughed once to regain their attention and continued onto the next slide.
"Onto the anus. Or, as you described it, the 'tightly puckered balloon knot.' Wait – balloon knot?" he looked over at Kurogane, who shrugged helplessly. "What the hell does that even mean?"
Yuzuriha huffed defiantly. "It's a damned good description, if you ask me."
Fay eyed her suspiciously and turned back to the slide. "Please note the differences in diameter between the penis – shown here to scale – and the balloon knot in question. You were smart enough to figure out that you can't just go plowing into Ye Ol' Starfish without a bit of preparation, no matter how large, stiff, or strong your character's Passion Plunger is. However, you've left out an important step. Now, this should look familiar to you-" The next slide clicked into position.
"This is a, um, female thing. You will note that while it is also much smaller in diameter than the average Protein Torpedo, it has glands lining the, er – business. These produce…dun, dun, DUN: LUBRICATION! There are, sadly, none of these handy glands in or around the anus. The Dude Piston, therefore, must be well-oiled before plunging the depths of the Duderus."
Yuzuriha raised her hand. "What's with the frat-boy euphemisms?"
"Hmm?" Fay frowned, "I thought you girls preferred euphemisms?"
"Well, they're not bad, but even you have to admit that 'Dude Piston' is a far cry from 'Quivering Manhood.'"
"It is? Huh, well, they all just sound silly to me. But! Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. There's an entire section on 'choosing your euphemisms carefully' coming up."
Yuzuriha groaned. Sakura fidgeted. Kurogane closed his eyes and went to his happy place.
"Until we get there, just think of it as expanding your vocabulary. Now, one word that is already in your vocabulary-" Fay flipped the slide with renewed vigor, "The prostate. You've demonstrated at least a passing familiarity with this dear old boy, however, there seems to be some mystique remaining as to what it actually is and does. Firstly, yes, it does feel fun if something bumps up against it. However, that does not mean that it is a 'bundle of nerves' or a 'special spot' lurking in the depths of the rectum. It's a gland. A very important gland, if you're of the baby-making persuasion; it produces an alkaline solution which neutralizes the acidic compounds made in the vagina and allows sperm to live long enough to possibly fertilize an ovum before they are eaten alive by the hostile environment they've been so carelessly shot into. It sits around the base of the bladder and surrounds the urethra. This is also important, as it pinches the urethra off during arousal so that urine doesn't happen to leak out and mix with the ejaculate. Not only would this kill a man's landing party, but it's also not nice to pee in your partner. The reason I mention THIS-" he raised his voice threateningly to drown out complaints of impropriety rumbling from the ninja, "Is that this means that it is always located in the same damn place. This isn't the mythical G-spot that no one knows where the hell it is or if it even exists; this isn't like jumping around to different dimensions looking for feathers. It's. Always. There. It doesn't pop around the back in all of the excitement or shrivel up if it doesn't get a work out. The biggest problem men have with it is that it tends to swell with age, and then the search is really off… Sakura-chan, are you alright?"
Sakura's eyes had grown so wide they threatened to overtake the rest of her face. "I think I've learned enough about anatomy for one day…"
Fay frowned. "Well, okay. We'll skip ahead to the more formal literary criticisms." He skipped through several slides. Then several more. Realizing he had exhausted the rack of slides, he grumbled to himself as he fought with the rusty contraption to set the second rack into place.
"First off," he began again, triumphantly clicking the first side into place, "Staying in character. This is very impor- why are you laughing, Kuro-rin?"
"You are so out of character right now, it's not even funny."
"Au contraire, my grumpy ninja friend, this is clearly labeled as a Crack!fic, so I can be as out of character as I please without any repercussions."
"Well, except for pissing off readers and sounding like a moron, I suppose."
"Mokona, the ball gag."
"You've already used that gag," Kurogane paused. "Pun intended."
"FINE. Back to what I was saying… Staying in character is very important. Porn is incredibly easy to access, so if someone is reading smutty fan fic, it's because they have an interest in the characters. Otherwise they would just take regular old smut and copy and paste your characters' names into it, yes? So, while it's great to put your own spin on how they might act during sexy time, it's important that you don't completely turn them into someone else. Let's use an example to illustrate." The slide shifted to reveal caricatures of two spiky-haired men. "Now, let's say you have a character that refuses to call the other by his proper name, like this gentleman here-" he slapped the pointer against the sharp widow's peak of one of the caricatures, "Is Vegeta going to shout out 'Oh Goku, baby, give me your delicious Sayan manchowder!'? NO! That would be silly! Vegeta is going to scream 'DAMN IT KAKARROT, YOU CLOWN! FUCK ME LIKE A REAL MAN!' at the top of his lungs!" He paused for dramatic effect.
Sakura raised her hand meekly. "Um, Fay-san…why is Goku 'giving it' to Vegeta?"
"Because this is how slash works, darling."
"No…I mean, shouldn't it be the other way around?"
Fay stared quizzically at the princess. "Why? Vegeta likes it."
"Look, this isn't ancient Greece or feudal Japan. The more stereotypically 'manly,' or older, or higher ranked partner isn't automatically the top. This is all about pleasing your partner…so whoever likes it best gets to be on the bottom, and if you both like it, then you trade off. Frankly, it's kind of offensive that you'd suggest otherwise."
Kurogane sputtered. "Like you have any room here to talk about 'offensive,' mage."
"I agree." Four heads turned toward the door.
"Syaoran!" Fay exclaimed, "Glad to see you home! See, Kuro-puu? I told you he would show up at some point."
"Syaoran!" Sakura shouted, lunging toward the boy, "I'm so glad you're home! Fay-san has been teaching us all about…well…let's go find something else to do!"
"Just a minute, Princess," Syaoran soothed, wiping away the tears of relief falling silently from Sakura's eyes, "I need to talk to Fay-san…"
Fay looked slightly ashamed. "Sorry…I suppose I took this too far…"
"You're damned right you did!" Syaoran said, anger rising in his voice, "I can't believe you think Vegeta would bottom! Every part of his personality suggests a permanently clenched asshole! How is that supposed to be pleasant?"
"No, I think you're confusing 'permanently clenched' with 'stick up his.' That suggests nothing if not fixation!"
Sakura released Syaoran and slunk back into the hallway with Yuzuriha as the argument grew louder and more threatening. The two girls gaped at one another in disbelief.
"I think we should stick to Yuri from now on."
"Yeah, I don't think any of them has a clue about that…"