uakari: (Fuuma)
[personal profile] uakari

Title: Kamui vs. The Panda
Rating: PG-13ish
Warnings: Crack, crack, and more crack.
Summary: Watanuki is a sad panda.  De-anon from Clamp-kink meme.  Prompt: "Kamui!Fuuma is sent to sexual harrassment training.  Bonus points if it's lead by Sexual Harrassment Panda"

“Uh, right this way then – Mr. Monou, was it?” Watanuki said conversationally as he slid the door to his office open and ushered his guest inside. 


“Excuse me?” Watanuki shuffled his papers. He was certain he’d been assigned to counsel one Mr. Fuuma Monou about his recent on-the-job exploits involving one of the Dragons of Heaven…but then, it was extremely stuffy in his work uniform (He was going to have to have a word with Yuuko about this later – it seemed her sake intake had increased ten-fold with the number of earthquakes occurring lately around the metro area and with that had come all sorts of new rules and regulations. The panda suit was really the last straw, though. This was a woefully angst-filled universe they were inserting themselves into, not some low-brow American cartoon, for fuck’s sake…) and the eye-holes occasionally slipped and obscured his vision. He jostled the papers at eye-level. No, they definitely read “Fuuma Monou.” “I’m supposed to be meeting with Mr. Monou right-”


“Okay, then!” Watanuki sighed and shut the door behind them; he wasn’t paid well enough to argue this any further, and there seemed to be something rather…off about this client, anyway. He pulled out the chair opposite his desk for Mr. Mo- Kamui and settled back into his own, pulling and tugging at the stubborn bits of faux fur that didn’t quite want to settle comfortably into the chair. “Now,” he leafed through his stack of papers again, trying to establish an official air for the proceedings, “It seems that you have had quite a number of complaints filed against you recently, all by one Mr. Kamui Shirou. Are you familiar with these instances?”

Kamui tilted his head in surprise. “Actually,” he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “I thought I had been doing a pretty admirable job.”

“Ah, yes, the whole ‘Destroying the world’ thing,” Watanuki nodded, “Yes, there’s really been no question that your over-all job performance has been superb; these complaints have all involved sexual harassment of some nature.”

Kamui cocked an eyebrow. “Of some nature?”

“Yes,” Watanuki adjusted the heavy mask to relieve some of the ache in his shoulders, “It says here that on one occasion you impaled Mr. Shirou against a rock slab and groped him in a less-than-professional manner.”

“Was it less-than-professional?”

“It also says here that you ground your knee into his groin rather insistently and licked him. The licking is mentioned repeatedly, actually.”

“Well, yes, that would have been to taste his blood,” Kamui shifted restlessly in his seat, “Look, I don’t see what the problem is here.”

Watanuki’s eyes widened, ever-so-slightly - not that anyone was able to see it behind the panda mask. “Y-you can’t just go around licking people!” he stammered.

Kamui still looked confused. “Why not? I seem to recall that right after that I went and stabbed some chick that I had crucified…and then blew up large parts of Tokyo. Licking seems rather inconsequential after all of that, so why the focus?”

“Because!” Watanuki squeaked indignantly, “Blowing up large parts of Tokyo because the Earth wishes for it is part of your job description! Sexual harassment of the Dragons of Heaven is emphatically not.”

“It’s only one.”


“Just the one. And who said the Earth didn’t want it?”

Watanuki stared. “You’re saying the Earth wants you to molest your childhood friend.”

Kamui nodded. “Of course it does. Look, you don’t see me having a lot of motivation of my own here, do you? I’m just a vehicle. If the Earth wants me to pin down that succulent little piece of man meat and run my tongue over every sweaty ridge and crevice of his tightly wound body, you can bet your ass I’m going to do it.”


“Right…” Watanuki droned and rolled his eyes, “And the fact that you were incredibly…touchy with him before all this happened has nothing to do with that either, I suppose?”

“No,” Kamui insisted, “This urge to tie him down, rip his clothes, and caress his thighs wile horribly mangling other parts of his anatomy is purely the directive of the Earth. I can’t help it if I look good while doing it.”

It doesn’t matter that you look go-” Watanuki cut himself off and considered banging his head against the desk. Good lord this guy was stubborn! In fact, he reminded him an awful lot of one other tall, dark and stubborn mule he knew… He shook his head – this wasn’t the time for that! “Look,” he started again, “There have been complaints! If you’re not willing to take steps to correct your behavior, then we are going to have to impose certain restrictions!”

Kamui shrugged. “I already told you. This isn’t my wish – it’s the Earth’s. And, let’s face it, you and your employer might wish for it to stop – and I might be somewhat inclined to grant that wish – but if it were that easy to override the will of the Earth, this would be a pretty short and boring magna, wouldn’t it? So why don’t you just impose whatever ‘measures’ you want and you can get back on with your life (or what’s left of it) and I can get back to peeling Kamui’s blood-stained clothes away and licking hot trails of angst up his spine.”

Watanuki groaned inwardly and reached for the package Yuuko had left for this eventuality. “Here,” he muttered as he shoved it across the desk.

Kamui took the package and stripped the brown paper away. He started back at Watanuki quizzically.

“Just put it on,” Watanuki instructed.

Kamui did as he was asked, pulling the impressively complicated coat on over his street clothes and latching the many buckles and snaps. “What’s this for?”

“To keep you…contained,” Watanuki sputtered, “In case you get any more ideas for torturing the Dragons of Heaven Kamui. By the time you get the last buckle undone, headquarters can have someone on the scene to restrain you.”

“That’s no fun,” Kamui murmured even as he spun about to make hem flare dramatically, “Still,” he mused, “This isn’t bad…”

Watanuki buried his still-masked face in his furry-gloved hands. “That’s all, Mr. M- Kamui. You should go.”

Kaumi stared expectantly.

“What?” Watanuki demanded after a long moment had passed in awkward silence.

“Your boss,” Kamui answered, “She wishes for you to say something further.”

Watanuki groaned. Damn that witch anyway…they weren’t even supposed to be in this dimension! He lifted his head slowly. “And please remember…” he trailed off, cursing himself, this costume, his employer, this horribly stubborn man taking up space in his office and refusing to leave…


“…sad panda.”


“I said ‘When a Dragon of Earth engages in unwanted BDSM with a Dragon of Heaven – it makes me a sad panda!! ARE YOU HAPPY?!

Kamui chuckled and slid the door open. “That was all I wanted to hear…”



January 2013

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